Maybe
y’all don’t care about my life but at least let me rant here since I can’t do
it anywhere else.
Last year have been pretty rough to me. I’m moving to Surakarta, got tons of new
friends, and forced to adapt. To be honest, this adapting thingy is not my
specialty (especially when I’m totally alone). I gave up every weekend. I
didn’t have anything to do in my hometown anyway, but I keep on coming home on
Friday night. The thing is, living in a new town makes me feeling so ‘small’
and insecure. It was exciting and joyous at first, my mind was full of hope and
continuous expectation, yadda yadda yadda, I ended up sitting in the corner of
my room watching youtube for 5 hours straight.
I’m
feeling alone at the first month but I know that I’m not the only one. I know
that there’s a bunch of lonely people in my campus pretending that everything
is okay but when they’re back to their room, everything feels so different. I
really want to meet them to say hi and talk about life because I know that our
story would correlate so much and we could share about how we handle things by
our own. But in the end, I just see these faces passed.
I
see new faces everyday. I see boys I want to kiss and girls I want to hug. They
made me thinking about my perspective in the other way around. Do they see me?
Do they have the same feeling towards me? Do I live in their mind? Or am I just
another pathetic dude that exist in their sight only? These questions are driving
me crazy for no reason.
Time
goes on and I’m stuck in that point where I just don’t give a f*ck anymore. Why
do I have to leave a mark on anyone’s mind? I forgot people anyway. You might
know me and I’d forget you the other month. Unless you got a nice wavy hair,
know how to speak in french, and enjoy rooftops like I do.
I’m
so sick of being everyone’s expectation for me as an Indonesian young male. Thus,I
dressed as myself, I behave as myself, and I think as myself (Not
completely, because that’d be against
the norms and I hate dramas). I’m slightly happier. I could be happier but the
fact that my happines is quite risky holds me back. Life is not about getting
all the happines you want anyway. Sometimes you just gotta suck it up and live
it up. But bitch, I ain’t gonna live my life that way. I hope...
My
2016 ends with the thing that I love and my 2017 begins with the biggest trip
of my life. Going somewhere far by myself is so risky but that is all I want to
do right now. I love to see the world. I’m terrified all over time remembering
that my youth is gonna be so short. I hate to think about the future actually.
I can’t stop my youth, so I choose to live it up and make everyday counts. I’m
writing this so I could remind my-future-self that life is not gonna be easy as
I thought. But please, future me, please hang on and don’t kill yourself. You
got plenty things to see in this world.
I
think I’m gonna travel more and write more. I also want to do a vlog about food
but I don’t think making videos around people who eats is appropriate. I’m
still working on that. But yeah. Y’all don’t hate me if I start making vlogs and
become a youtuber soon.